A little forward to this beauty: Are you ever just casually browsing social media and see a picture of someone that just makes you feel huffy and violated all over again, even though you'd forgotten about the whole thing?  That's exactly what inspired today's narrative.  I suppose I needed to revisit those old huffy feelings, blow them off like steam in order to keep pressure from building up in my anxiety/rage cooker.  Sometimes that part of my life that won't die because another person won't just let it die (it's been over three years, come on, dude) makes me want to just go to his face and scream at him until he stops malfunctioning, tell him to vanish from my life and the lives of everyone around me, but then I realize that I'd be too sickened at this point to do that and that it's really not worth it to acknowledge it anymore.  Let this be the dying cry of any helpless or angry feelings he has inspired, and please, please let the feelings on his end die.  Just let him make some semblance of living a life that isn't striving to be parallel to mine at all times, let him develop some interests and personality traits that aren't directly inspired by me, and let the parallels now in place be torn down.  Let my life in him die so that it is mine alone, and let him just have one of his own.  Or let him fade and wink out.

"Ginger-ale" by truth2lies on deviantART

"Ew, what are you even drinking?"

I looked down at my little plastic low ball cup, trying to imagine how it might look weird to someone, "It's just ginger ale, what?"

"Oh, hm,"  He leaned back in his chair a little further, his feet propped on the rickety, clothless table. He was still regarding my drink but striving just a bit with his demeanor to appear informed, as if yes, he had known all along that it is ginger ale, that ginger ale is perfectly natural.  I still stared into my cup, wondering if the color of my drink looked gross.  I sipped.

Motion to my right, Nathan was sitting up a little straighter, his little green uniform coat straining at the shoulders, his head strangely lacking hair, "Oh, you'll never guess who's joined the Army now."

I was only half paying attention, mostly contemplating whether ginger ale is, actually, gross, "Who?"  I thought he might say Levi, I'd heard about Levi.  Or maybe a wild card, someone who I'd never suspect.  I contemplated wild cards.

"Tyler freaking --------."

A hot and angry flutter in my chest.  I felt my eyes narrowing, realized how ugly it must look, wiped that ugly look off before asking, "What?"

 Seeing that sour look on my face and knowing from everyone's stance he'd said something quite interesting, he perked up and continued with bright eyes and a laugh, "Yeah, I saw him around, he said he'd joined the National Guard."

More little questions from the peanut gallery, laughter.  A joke or two.  Wide-eyed husband.

I was unsure what to say for a moment.  My fingertips alighted on the table next to my drink, covering a splatter of dried paint.  The drink shook on the table like it was Jurassic Park.  We were discussing someone I had actually been relieved to forget about, someone who was unimportant enough to forget and to leave no trace except a vague feeling of annoyance, someone who only came to mind when he was being creepy, someone who couldn't let things be, someone who wanted my life.  My life isn't anything overtly special, really, I'm just a girl.  Nevertheless, when this person was looking to find himself, he found me, he tried to be me.

I don't think I would have cared half so much, would have even bothered to respond, if I hadn't had another strange bit of information on him drop at my feet only a couple of weeks before.  I had only just swept it up and thrown it out, and here was this new thing, dirtying the floor at my feet.

I thought that people should know this thing I was experiencing, know about my messy floor.  I crossed my legs and leaned forward, smoothing the green fabric of my dress as I moved, feeling predatory and lithe, "You can't be serious.  No.  No freaking way, he's too much of a pussy.  And when will this guy get a life of his own?  He's always emulating my life, when does it stop?  I mean, I thought we'd all just move on, but he can't just let things be.  He's such a... creep, there's no other word for it.  Did you know he named his god damn baby after me?"

"What?! No, now that's weird."

"It's true!  His baby has my middle name, I just shit when I saw it on the internet, I..."  For a moment I'd been caught up in this conversation like it was the usual round of gossip, but I realized just then that this was me, my life.  This was a surreal and strange event.  It gave me that tickling, green, icky feeling under my heart like I'd just been violated.

I could have told them more, more about how it had been years but he still wouldn't leave my life alone and just let it be mine.  I could have, but instead I became a little quieter and let that green feeling boil my blood until I was light headed.

They discussed it, I listened.  Had he made it through Basic?  No.  I halfheartedly threw in another two cents, and we all agreed he was too much of a wimp to make it through.

Sips of cheap wine, goodbye, good luck, and congratulations.   Liquor store, video games, up all night.  I simmered on the back burner, still feeling transient and strange, like I was caught by the hooks of the past and being dragged backward.  Old friends were telling me old things made up like they were new about someone from a time in my life that was, it seemed, as old as a time could get.  But it apparently wasn't so old for him.

I sat on the couch later, reading, sitting straight and tall and feeling bookish, just the way I love.  Serenity over here.

"So I was looking at Tyler's page to find out more about what Nathan said, and he has my job."

My eyebrows flew toward my hairline then settled back down into the old furrow, into old wrinkles people in the past had sewn in my forehead's field.  My eyes didn't leave the page, "What?  How is that?  What does that even mean?"

"Look," he beckoned me to the computer screen and hunched over, ready to pull up an explanation, "He put down here under his job title that he's a 'Systems Support and Communication Specialist.'  That's the official title of my job, the one on my profile."

"What? I..." Only a moment passed before I realized something downright dark, "Do you know what that means?  Do you know how disturbing that is?"

"It's weird... what?"

I kept on staring at the screen, "It's not a coincidence, not after that baby thing.  It means that he's looking at us, looking at our profiles, reading about us, watching what we do still.  He had to go on Facebook, maybe even look via someone who is friends with us, read your job title, make a life decision based on it, and request that job specifically at the recruiting office," I stood up, threw my hands in the air, backed up a couple of steps, "This is just too, too strange and gross."

Eyes cast down toward the keyboard, back up at me again, "Wow, I knew he was weird, but I never really thought it was like that."

"Well, I told you it was," I went still for a moment, hand on my cheek, ready for the feeling of violation, but instead of feeling predated, for some reason I suddenly felt big.  Big on so many levels where this relic person of the past was so small.  The more I lived and the more he didn't, not truly, the smaller he became.  If he never stopped, it didn't matter one bit; he was incapable of truly touching me.  He'd just grow smaller and smaller until he winked out while I kept right on living.  "But fuck him.  Fuck him, fuck him.  If he can't get a life of his own, even after getting married and having a family, it's really his problem."

I've looked around the internet for lists like this often, because I'm a romantic person; I love to do romantic things.  However, the lists are either very sparse or very unoriginal/uncreative.  To give the internet the benefit of what I've learned over this deployment through my various efforts to be creative with cute surprises, I am going to list here 10 things I've done for Mike over the course of this deployment that made his day.  Some of them can be pretty expensive, but others cost nearly nothing.  That means there's something here for everyone's budget!  Enjoy! <3

1.) A mistletoe ornament dipped in gold or silver with a kissed card - Because Christmas is coming up and this is actually what I have done for him this year, I thought I'd share this idea that is perfect for the season.  The mistletoe ornament is the perfect way to make him think of all the romance that seems to inevitably come with the holiday season, plus it is a special treasure that the two of you will be able to put on your tree for years to come.  You will always have it to remind you of what you went through (and survived) together, and plus, it'll probably make his holiday season just a little bit warmer when he's stuck over there without you.  The ornament is a real sprig of mistletoe that has been dipped and preserved forever in your choice of gold or silver, and it lasts much longer (and is actually less expensive) than the real, fresh cut thing. Don't forget to include a card with your kiss on it, because after all, that's what mistletoe is for!

2.) A giant, construction paper heart with a picture of the two of you in the middle and "I love you" written in many languages all the way around - This one is fairly simple: all you need is some large sheets of construction paper, scissors, a pencil, a picture of the two of you (you can print this on regular paper if you like), glue, and a black marker.  Fold the construction paper in half and cut your heart so that the sides will be even.  Unfold your masterpiece and use the glue to secure your favorite picture of the two of you together in the middle of the heart.  Remember, whatever you write on this heart, write it all in pencil first so that mistakes aren't permanent, then trace over it with the marker when you are through.  At the top of the page, above your picture, write, "No matter how you say it..." then below the picture, write, "I Love You."  Be sure to leave plenty of space on the sides for your multilingual professions of love.  With mine, I decided to go the extra mile and write some of the I-love-yous in the native script, such as Chinese.  Because I didn't want to fold my artwork and mess it up, I placed it into the bottom of a care package I sent to him.


3.) Countdown cards for his R&R travel week/ coming home - In case you don't know, whenever a soldier goes on R&R or starts his trip home, he must travel for a full 7 days or more to reach his destination.  Well before this week arrived, I sent him a package containing 8 numbered envelopes, one to be opened right away explaining the game and another 8 for each day of his journey home.  The Hallmark website offers ways for you to customize the cards on their website, including adding pictures and changing all the words if you want to.  They also offer a price break if you buy more than 5 cards.  You may also save any of your designs for future use.  I suggest you send these to yourself first so that you may sign them all and place them in their respective envelopes with numbers on the outside, but the website also offers a mailing service that can send it directly to the recipient.

4.) An envelope full of construction paper hearts describing what you love about him - Another cheap little project that's worth the half-an-hour you might invest into cutting a bunch of tiny, construction paper hearts.  You will need the same materials as the first construction paper project, but this time you won't need the marker or the glue and the hearts will be considerably smaller.  The hearts can vary in size to make sure you can get everything you want to say on them.  What I did was write on the outside of the envelope, "What I love the most about you is..." then proceeded to fill the envelope with all those things, such as his smile, his kiss, etc.  This project shouldn't cost any more to mail than a regular letter.


5.) A personal calendar customized by you and your pen - Calendars can be a really special part of the deployment, because they're a great way to count down.  I recommend getting this right before or right after he deploys.  Make sure it's small and easily portable so that he can keep it with him.  Personalize the pages and dates by marking special occasions and adding meaningful quotations about love.  I also asked on random days that he do something little, like listen to one of our songs and think of us or tell me something certain in a letter that day.  You can also glue very small pictures on the pages if you like.  I don't recommend writing a countdown in it yourself, because schedules change constantly.  Have him write these himself, but only one week at a time; never get ahead of yourself or you'll just have to go back and number the whole thing again.


6.) A small stuffed plush sprayed with your perfume - This one is fairly simple; all you have to do is buy a stuffed animal and spray it with your perfume.  However, make sure it's small so he can carry it around easily and can fit into your care package.  Don't be afraid to really spray it on there, because the smell will fade quickly if you don't and he'll just be left with a stuffed animal.  You should also wrap it when mailing it to ensure it doesn't lose its smell on the way there.  Personally, I chose stuff that would make him laugh.  I bought plushes of bugs he sees over there like locusts and camel spiders (or as close as I could get to those creatures), but I did send him a tiny plush Cthulhu because he's right for all occasions.


7.) An engraved pocket watch set to your time - I actually did this right before he deployed to both be a special gift for another occasion and something that he can carry with him on his deployment to remind him of home.  I bought the watch itself from Executive Gift Shoppe, who do engravings on just about everything they have, but the particular style I picked was unable to be engraved (even by 3rd party jewelers I took it to).  However, I was able to have a small, blank pendant engraved with a line from a particularly applicable song at Gold Rush Jewelers for about $60 and attached to the fob.

An Example of Office Max Binding

8.) A book of poetry inspired by him - While this one isn't for all of us, I know at least some of you out there probably have some poetic talent, and with someone you love to inspire it, your poetry gets even better.  At the end of this deployment, I plan on taking all the poetry he has inspired, typing it up into a Word document with page dimensions of 6x9 (the traditional size of poetry books), printing the lot of it on regular paper, having it trimmed at Office Max (of course you can also trim it yourself at home using a rotary trimmer), and having it bound at the same place.  While this may sound expensive, it's not at all: trimming and binding at Office Max is roughly $3.  I am going to present him with the book the moment I see him in Germany.


9.) A Google Earth map marking all of your special places all over the world - This one brought me a little frustration, but it's a good idea nonetheless.  Download Google Earth, a free program that lets you see all over the entire world using satellite photographs, similar to Google Maps but on a much more intricate scale.  Then proceed to flag your special locations, including perhaps the place he was deployed and some of the areas on the base where memories were made (such as where he went to see you on webcam).  Don't forget to save your file or else your flags will be gone the next time your computer restarts.  Also, there are some minor compatibility issues with Windows 7, but the help section on their website offers some answers to fixing this problem.  While you can't send this to him, it will be something you can show him and guide him through when he finally gets home.

10.) A signed and kissed pinup poster of yourself - A lot of the time when we think of deployment and soldiers overseas, we can't help but get the classic image of bright-faced young men pinning centerfolds and pinups above their cots, looking forward to what awaits them back home.  I decided to take this idea up a notch and make it something special and romantic.  I took pictures of myself in my new bikini using the timer function on my camera, picked the best one, had the print enlarged online, and sent it to myself to autograph and kiss before it makes its way to the wall over his bed.  It's relatively inexpensive, the print itself being $10 with $10 shipping, plus the $4 shipping it took me to send it to him.  I simply visited posterprintshop.com, uploaded an image, specified my measurements, and submitted my order.  Traditionally, the measurements of a centerfold poster are 10x20.  Also, remember to use a high quality image taken with a good camera or else enlarging the photo will cause it to become pixelated.